


For In My Mind My Words Are Mine

by Locallizardboy



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Dorian, Bad Parent Halward Pavus, Blood Magic, Cole (Dragon Age) is a Good Friend, Dorian Has Self-Esteem Issues, Dorian Pavus Has Issues, Halward Pavus Being an Asshole, Halward Pavus' A+ Parenting, Helpful Cole (Dragon Age), Hurt Dorian Pavus, Hurt/Comfort, Krem and Cole are friends, M/M, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Nobody Trusts a Vint, Protective The Iron Bull (Dragon Age), Rituals, Trust Issues, Venatori, timeline messed with
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23819548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Locallizardboy/pseuds/Locallizardboy
Summary: What if Halward's ritual had gone through? How different would Dorian become stuck within a mind he cannot control?Chosen to infiltrate enemy lines, Dorian joins the inquisition, becoming close friend to one Inquisitor Lavellan before suddenly he's back at Redcliff and he realises something... he doesn't want this. He never has but now? Now he knows what could've been. now if only they knew that.
Relationships: Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Male Inquisitor/Dorian Pavus, Male Inquisitor/Iron Bull, Male Inquisitor/Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus, Male Lavellan/Dorian Pavus
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	1. I wish I had a strength to admit it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian and Lavellan have a talk a month before things go down. Truths are revealed and pasts are spoken of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY quick note! the timeline changed slightly heres the biggest points of mention.  
> \- Dorian revealed his past to Lavellan before their redcliff visit, Bull has also been told  
> \- Dorian and Lavellan also being their relationship before Dorians return Redcliff.  
> \- Dorian and The Inquisitor also didn't end up going until after Adament and Halamsharal
> 
> The first couple of chapters will be from Lavellan's perceptive but it will eventually stat switching between him and Dorian and possibly Bull.

Walking up to the library Lavellan was hesitant. It was not often Dorian sent a runner to ask for his attention instead of parading down to the training grounds to get him himself. As he got to the floor of the tower he spotted his friend in a state, staring out the window with a melancholy reserved usually for when the two would get drunk in his chambers in the early morning, reminiscing on what once was before. Lavellan would speak of his clan, of the keeper and his family with barely restrained sobs while receiving comfort for the mage and in turn, as Dorian cussed out his country the inquisitor would support and ask him of the nicer parts of his culture. Gently placing his hand on the mans stupidly bare shoulder holding in his comment of ‘idiot shems’ as he gained the man’s attention. 

"Wha- oh… Inquisitor I apologise I must’ve gone elsewhere…" Dorian stated after the jump to attention he gave. He seemed to get lost in thought for another second before he shook his head a little rougher than needed giving the elf before him a grin, shaky and fragile but Lavellan chose not to call him out for it just yet. Clearly, he had something to get off his chest. 

"Shall we walk? I’m thinking fresh air…" and with that Dorian began walking away heading in the directions of the lesser walked Battlements choosing to hope that Lavellan followed, and follow he did, quiet and wondering until they reached the walkway. Observing the man as he leaned against the wall looking out to the mountains. There was enough tension in his spine for Dorian to look as if he was being pulled by a string that went down his back, his eyes dark and eyebrows furrowed deep. He showed every sign of nerves he didn’t think the man to ever show, even to him. After about 5 more minutes of silence, Lavellan waiting for the other to speak and Dorian clearly looking at everything but him.

"What is going on Dorian, I don’t think I have ever seen you so troubled?" He finally broke the silence, listening as Dorian sighed softly muttering a small curse as he turned around to face the Inquisitor.

"No more stalling I see." He said softly barely heard over what wind there was. Making brief eye contact with the man, Lavellan saw things he couldn’t quite word, there was such sadness, resignation and something he couldn’t quite understand. Breaking the contact Dorian pulled himself fully up and started speaking.

"As much as I say I want to believe my past won’t haunt me I fear I’d be a rather filthy liar." Pausing to steel himself and find his words before continuing. "I do believe I told you I wasn’t welcome home correct? I love many things about my country but its need for nonsensical tradition is not one of them." Starting to pace Lavellan realised Dorian had not looked at him since he began speaking, dread was beginning to build within the Inquisitors chest.  
"My father is a good man, or he was. However as good as he was, he was a never a father, just as I was never a son. I was a legacy, the potential to become the best, the next archon maybe one day…maker save the one to deviate from the premade path." Something sour crossed over Dorian’s face as he spoke looking just as bitter about the whole thing as he sounded. "My whole life was planned out for me before I was born, not that I ever let that stop me as a child though I assure you that. I was a terror of an altus in my early years, kicked out of every circle, got overly drunk and was and am rather into the company if men."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me right Inquisitor, men indeed were a preference I’ve never been quiet about." Dorian started again, suddenly more defensive and putting up walls once more so Lavellan chose to change that quickly. Placing his hands up in a surrendering manor and smiled.

"Nothing wrong with that Dorian, I’m rather that way inclined myself. I was just…surprised." Lavellan finished rather lamely but whatever he said seemed to have worked as Dorian slumped form the defensive posture, chuckling slightly as he looked back to Lavellan briefly in a gentle way he didn’t see often in the man. 

"I would have never have guessed, the scandal Inquisitor." Dorian joked lightly before getting back to the topic at hand, moving to walk to the other side of the battlements to look over and see soldiers training as he spoke. 

"Yes, well, there may be nothing wrong with it in your lovely southern ways. However for a noble Tevinter child to be… well that’s just not possible I’m afraid." Pausing as Lavellan stood beside him, following where Dorian's eyes were pinned, he spotted Bull with Krem, seemingly practicing the smaller fighters shield use. "Fun between two men in Tevinter is accepted but that’s all it can ever be, just fun. Nothing more I’m afraid, eventually you have to go and join in a loveless marriage and pretend you can stand each other." As he finished speaking he turned, breaking his stare on Bull to face Lavellan once more something akin to weary mischief in his face as he nodded back towards the quinari.

"I’m sure you’ve heard the rumours of Bull and myself? The big twit doesn’t exactly help any of them." Dorian asked the other softly sounding annoyed but nothing could hide the softness in his tone for the larger warrior. It stung in a way Lavellan hadn’t quite thought it would but nodded gently offering his response.

"Its hard not to. You two make quite a stirring for the rumour mill though I choose to be told straight from the source rather than presume." 

"That alone makes you a better man that I and no doubt-ably many here, but if it eases your conscience, it is rather true. Although I certainly hope he isn’t planning to ship me off to the Qun. Though that could be wishful thinking on their part." Dorian explained lightly, laughing at how ridiculous some people could be. Lavellan however honestly could not tell if he felt better or worse knowing they were true.

"I hope you two are happy." He offered to Dorian in which he got an undignified snort in return.

"He thinks it will help with all the nasty shit ‘the vints’ did to me." He offered back, mocking Bull’s lower voice before continuing, "However I dare say he might’ve been right. I don’t know how well we would work together him and I, but it does give me hope for another." Lavellan turned once more from Dorian back to Bull and back, he could see the appeal if what Dorian explained was true. 

"Then I’m glad he is here for you, I will be too Dorian, you aren’t fighting alone anymore." His words of comfort seemed to have an opposite affect however as Dorian suddenly became much more saddened once again, like he had when they had first arrived. Sighing softly the man looked to his left hand, staring as if it would solve his problems. Lavellan guessed that it didn’t when Dorian spoke more troubling words.

"I could never have this, in Tevinter. I was betrothed to someone worthy of my standing. We could have been brilliant, but I can never marry for obligation, it would not be fair… to either of us. I picked up a fuss and left my household stayed with a rather friendly lord for a night and by morning my father’s guards had killed 7 of his men to collect me straight from the mans bed itself." Taking a small breath to compose himself once more before continuing, "It was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen, at the time. Once back I was kept in the room barred from my magic for weeks, I guess he was hoping to force complacency on the matter."  
Dorian looked tired. It was the only way Lavellan could explain the deadness in his eyes. As if this was an acceptable thing to express, he was horrified for his friend.

"Dorian… that is awful, I am sorry you had to go through that." Stepping closer he placed his hand comfortingly on the mages shoulder, squeezing it gently as the man took another shuddering breath.

"I’m afraid it gets worse."

Those were never comforting words. Especially with what just came before them. Steeling himself he found himself nodding at Dorian to continue.

"I guess after two weeks one of the help in the house – a slave – came in, he informed me that my father wanted, he wanted to, perform a ritual. Blood magic, nasty stuff, use it to make me normal." By now Dorian’s head was tilted towards the sky, eyes closed, but searching as if it would give him the answers he wanted. "The next time father came back, I started the screaming match of the gods themselves, how stupid and selfish he was for this, how he would rather possibly have a dead son than a disappointment, every betrayal I'd ever had came crashing out and I guess it must have shocked him so much it gave me time to run." Dorian finally faced Lavellan once more after he finished, pausing to try and find his reaction, one of quickly schooled shock and horror, squeezing his shoulder once again before placing his hand atop the others. 

"I- I am not sure I can say anything…"

"Then don’t." Dorian interrupted before continuing. "I apologise, I didn’t realise just how sore this topic would be to talk about, especially giving I’ve told Bull as well."

"You told a Ben Hassrath this?" Lavellan jumped in shocked.

"In my defense I was rather drunk when I started, but I was with him and he wanted to wait until the alcohol left my system so I wouldn’t regret things by next morning. We had time and wanted to know if anything would bother me and drunk me can talk even more than sober me if possible, he’s also a huge rambler meaning poor Bull got the whole thing." He explained, a little award but it did raise the tone of the conversation. Continuing from the interruption Dorian spoke again. "After I ran I stayed with my close friend Rillanius before I got out of Quinaris properly."

"I am sorry this happened to you Dorian, but you have no idea how happy I am that you are here, with me, with us." He told the taller man kindly, his words heartfelt.

"I am… happy here Inquisitor, I am not a good man but I thank your kindness where I can find some peace in it." Dorian told him while moving his hand so the two were gently clasped and ran his thumb over the others knuckles. However his eyes where still so unreachable and in pain, for months Lavellan could never quite understand it, even once the two became official after he found Mother Giselle hounding Dorian in the library not a week after their talk. It was always something just out of reach.

Until Redcliff.


	2. Not Ready to Leave Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan breaks the news of his fathers letter to Dorian, the two plan to leave with Bull and Cole. Krem is the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unsure if its obvious I've hardly written before but things will be picking up soon.

A letter sent to Mother Giselle, asking for her help to connect father and son. When Leliana showed him the letter, the Mother too ashamed after their previous encounter to give it to him herself, he almost refused to even speak with Dorian about it, remembering the horrible things that he had spoken of. Leliana had a small glint in her eye as she passed the note to him as if knowing his thoughts, with how many spy’s the woman had under her wing it wouldn’t surprise him if she really did. 

“Speak with him.” Was the gentle encouragement from his spymaster before she returned to her duties leaving him in the Main Hall, alone and conflicted.

Steeling his nerves Lavellan sighed pushing hair from his face before making his way through Solas’ study with a small nod in passing as he went. Walking up the steps he couldn’t help the feeling of déjà vu he felt as he wound up the steps. Even if the Dorian that greeted him today was much more cheerful, smiling with a gentle greeting as he stopped his work to meet Lavellan at the front of his little corner he’d claimed as his own.

“Amatus, how lovely to see you.” Dorian spoke as he walked over to the shorter man stopping just before him.

“Dorian, there is something I wished to show you.”

“Show me?” He parroted back confused before letting Lavellan continue.

“A letter… from your father.”

At his words he could see all colour leave the mans face as he looked at Lavellan in shock before holding a trembling hand out in request. Handing it over Lavellan thought it best not to speak yet, choosing to watch Dorian as he snatched the letter away and began reading. Watching the emotions flitter across his face as he read, shock, confusion, anger, grief, and one he still couldn’t name.

“No…”

“Dorian?”

“No. No please I’m not ready…” Dorian was muttering as he read and re-read the letter again and again. Lavellan was not even sure if he was meant to hear him and he spoke, hands shaking and barely holding the letter stable. Reaching out before pausing just before reaching Dorian he spoke up in gentle tones. 

“We don’t have to go anywhere if you don’t want to.’ Lavellan offered before continuing, ‘This is about you. If you don’t wish to go just say.” Although before he had even finished Dorian was shaking his head once again. Moving away from Lavellan to place the letter down on a nearby table, leaning against it as he breathed softly as if trying to calm himself. 

“I feel I won’t have a choice Amatus, my father is not one to be ignored. Even with a simple retainer.” He softly explained as the elf walked over to meet him placing a hand on his upper back softly, feeling the softness of the robes Dorian had chosen that morning, beautiful white robes with detailed gold trimming, he looked as royal as he sometimes acted. “I don’t wish to presume; however, I fear if we don’t go meet this ‘family retainer’ my father might walk all the way here.” Pausing with a brief chuckle he looked over to the redhead sighing. “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

Standing straighter Dorian turned facing the other, placing his hand on Lavellan’s cheek, thumb softly tracing over his cheekbone as the two locked eyes. Lavellan could see so much love within Dorian's eyes, he knew he looked the same to the other, his eyes were soft and inviting and still so sad, this impenetrable pain Lavellan can never seem to reach had grown tenfold in their conversation. One day he would figure out what it was he had sworn to himself. He couldn’t bear the pain, so placing his hand on top of the others he gave a supporting smile as he spoke.

“You won’t be alone through this Dorian. I’ll be there the whole time you need me. Alone or we can bring the others if you think this will end that badly.” Moving on his toes placing their foreheads together, noses almost bumping as he comforted his love. A shuddering breath and slump, before Dorian was nodding against his head.

“Can we bring Bull and the boy?”

“The boy?”

“Cole Amatus, can we bring Cole?” Dorian explained himself softly, sounding hesitant in his request of the other party members. To himself Lavellan could see reasoning in those two, a hard hitter and someone quieter, plus Bull already had been told about Dorian’s father and Cole most likely already knew if his flittering around Dorian in these past months were to be explained.

“Of course, we can, whatever will make this easier.”

“I’m not sure anything can make this easy, but we should leave as soon as.” With that Dorian moved to kiss the Inquisitor softly, to Lavellan it felt sadder than it should, but he kissed back just as gently ignoring the urge to chase after him, he let Dorian pull away and nodded.

“I will let Bull and Cole know if you want to take the next few hours to get yourself ready?”

“You really are a blessing Amatus, I will meet you by your chambers when the others are ready to leave.” With that Dorian fully stepped away and moving back to the table picking up the letter once more and leaving, pausing briefly as he left to place another kiss to the Inquisitors lips before leaving.

Giving a small sight himself, Lavellan briefly entertained the idea of jumping off the railing to scare some actual emotion into Solas before deciding to just take the stairs down to head to the tavern to see if he could find Bull and Cole. Walking in the atmosphere was an immediate change, it was livelier and Maryden’s music could be heard as he searched for Bull or the Chargers. It was the laugh that made him easy to find surprisingly, not his size. The chargers usually had him well surrounded so it was easier to wait for the loud laugh after an unexpected joke or a wild tale someone was telling. He followed the booming laugh and these he was, surrounded today by Krem, Skinner and Dalish, although he knew Stiches wasn’t far busy helping in a temporary infirmary for a couple days. Walking up it was Krem who spotted him first, giving a friendly salute and waving him over.

“Your Worship!” The lieutenant exclaimed as he walked over, “Come to steal the chief from us once more? Cause if not, can I ask that you do? I think he misses hitting things that don’t have to live by the end of training.” The group laughing at their leaders expense as Lavellan sat on a crate next to Bull, grinning as the large man thumped him on the back in a greeting.

“Ah, He’s just kidding Boss, unless you need something killed that is?” Bull responded turning to face him, ignoring the jabs at him by the chargers.

“Well I don’t know about killing but I do need you for the next couple days Bull, preferably as soon as possible.” Lavellan responded with a nod, grinning kindly as he continued, “It’s to do with Dorian, got to go meet someone in Redcliff and he’s asked you to join us.” Understanding dawned in the quinari’s eye and he nodded realising this is a more carefully stepped path than dragons. 

“Sure thing Boss, I’ll pack and meet you by the gates in two hours, that enough time for the vint to do his hair?” Bull’s question almost made Lavellan bristle until he caught the look on Bull’s face. He didn’t want to say anything in such a big area, makes sense Lavellan supposed and he nodded while moving to stand.

“That sounds perfect, I’ve still got to go ask one member to join us-“ 

“If you are looking for Cole he was over by Maryden last I checked.” The interruption made him spin around to see Krem speaking, nodding over to where the bard was playing. Looking confused Lavellan went to question him when he picked up again.

“Guessed it might be him you’re looking for if this is for Dorian, honestly not sure he’d let you leave without him.” Krem started shrugging, looking a little embarrassed at the Bull’s proud look at his deduction clearly coming to the same idea. “He’s been around the chargers a lot recently, always talks in these frantic phrases then disappears, then not even 10 minutes later Dorian appears at the door with Cole hovering by his shoulder. Not every time but I’m guessing that’s where he goes.” Nodding in confused acceptance Lavellan had never really considered it himself he already knew of Cole’s attachment to Dorian, as well as Bull and Varric but this was new.

“I didn’t realise you two were so close.”

“Ah, well he’s good company, hell of a bit confusing but it’s not that bad. He’s… nice.” Krem explained, and Lavellan could see the care the Charger held for the boy, it was almost older brotherly even if nobody had any clue how old the spirit was. Nodding he gave the lieutenant a small smile.

“I’m glad he’s found some friends within Skyhold.” 

With that the Inquisitor gave his goodbyes heading over towards Maryden seeing her finishing her song, it was rather uplifting as she played, and he began scanning the room for a familiar hat.

“Gasping, retching, why won’t it stop, this isn’t me, like a bird in a cage, forced to sing the wrong tune, out of tone and unpleasant.”

Spinning, Cole was standing behind him looking towards the Inquisitor, head tilted to the side as he watched the man.

“Cole! Sorry, you startled me. Krem said I could find you here. I didn’t know you two were friends.” Lavellan spoke startled by the kids sudden appearance.

“Liar, wrong, hidden in shame, then fighting, saviour, family. Yes, I like The Iron Bull’s Lieutenant, he let’s me speak and helps feed the cats in the barn.” Cole rambled out softly, smiling as he thought of his new friend.

“He said you were listening to Maryden.”

“Her songs are like a light in an impenetrable darkness, it’s nice to see the hurt leave so many, if for a little while.” Maryden at this point had started her singing once more and both spirit and elf took a minute to just enjoy her song. It wasn’t long before the Inquisitor was turning back towards Cole.

“How would you feel about joining, Bull, Dorian and I on a trip to Redcliff?” He questioned softly, looking for a reaction in Cole even if he already had a fair guess on where or not he would come with them. The boy nodded as he responded rather insistent.

“Yes, I’d like to go it you’ll have me. I want to help but I don’t know, every time I try it doesn’t make sense anymore.”

Cole actually sounded rather frustrated by Lavellan’s guess; he had no idea what’s going on in Dorian’s head if this is the reaction but he is willing to find out as he went. 

“Okay, I’m glad you are joining us, we are going to be leaving in around two hours, so can you meet us there then?” Lavellan smiled at the boy as he explained when they planned to leave. Nodding Cole left with one last parting statement.

“I’ll be ready, will you?”

After that odd display Lavellan chose to head back to his own chamber to prepare, on his way back one of Leliana’s spies had stopped him, informing him of preparations being made for his trip to Redcliff and he couldn’t say he was surprised. He nodded a thank to the younger girl and continued on his way. Winding his way up the steps to reach his room he wasn’t surprised to find the door ajar, remembering Dorian saying how he would meet him here. Entering he spotter the mage sitting on his bed, hunched and staring at his hands in contemplation. Not moving as Lavellan made to sit next to him, wrapping his hands within his own in a tight grip. Starling Dorian out of his trance he faced Lavellan and he looked worse than he had in the library. Makeup smudged, clothes dishevelled, shaking softly in his hold.

“We don’t have to go.”

“You’ve said Amatus.”

“And yet I fear you don’t believe me.” Lavellan wasn’t looking at him in earnest, almost begging for him to be allowed to cancel the whole trip for him.

“I must I’m afraid. I do not think it something I can explain but I want you to trust me Amatus.” He wasn’t looking at Lavellan, but his head was resting on his shoulder no doubt his hair tickling against the mage’s brow. 

“I won’t say I understand… but I trust you.”

The two then sat like this for the next hour, just basking in each other’s company until they had to leave. Neither ready to move just quite yet.


End file.
